Everything in life is so ephemeral
Everything in life is so ephemeral.
From our love, desires… to our pains.
And everything we feel at the moment is what matters the most. What seems more important. What feels as if something is pressing ourselves to the ground so that we cannot breathe anymore. And this period of drowning seems as if it lasts an eternity.
But there is no such thing as eternity.
There is no such thing as a one feeling for the rest of our lives. There is no possible eternal feeling. We cannot feel the same for the rest of our lives. Even if it is for one second, we feel happiness. Or content. Even for one second, we feel joy and satisfaction. And the next moment, we can go back to feel something else.
But… do feelings belong to us? Or do they belong to the universe?
Do THEY matter for being personal or for being shared? They can be so fucking personal to the point where we want to scream “NO, YOU DON’T GET HOW I FEEL” …
But they can also make us feel as if we relate SO MUCH to the other person, that we actually feel the pain they are feeling.
Who is right? Who is wrong? If there’s such a thing as being right.
I know that for now, I am just lost. And I want to scream it. But what’s the point of being heard in such poor conditions, right? Who cares about my problems. Instead, I will just lay around here and pretend to be a human being.
I will just pretend I care enough about others by showing them my best face.
But I will still manage to put my Not-a-single-fuck-is-given outfit on. So that I can subliminally communicate to them I am a total mess.
Or I could stand out and work on something else, to get distracted. So let me just ignore my feelings by getting back to work. Let me just be disconnected from myself. And enter in the daily routine again. Because I will not feel happy again unless I carry on my life, son.
Anyway, I could do endless things. Millions of possibilities to react from this. But I just want to let you know (at least to the former version of myself), that everything comes to an end.
Both bad and good things. Bad things will end. It will look like it takes longer, but just let it all out. Enjoy the feeling of crap, but then rise up again and eat the world. And good things come to an end as well, which sucks. Sucks a lot. But then again, we wouldn’t appreciate them if they were eternal.
I remember for the first time in a philosophy class being asked about the beauty.
I like beauty. I enjoy beauty.
My problem is I find beauty in odd and dangerous places. And they harm me. Because I am still too naïve and too little experienced to know how to handle these things. Such as beauty. And in a metaphorically way, I burn my hands each time.
But this time I stood out.
And I feel great. Because it’s as if I just emptied the bag I was carrying around for a few months. And now I know it was not a big deal. And from some years on, I will remember this and think of me as stupid. I know. I don’t need anyone to laugh at myself; I can do it. There’s no better thing that learning from your own mistakes. And I like to learn from each one of them. Even if it hurts.
It seemed like a big deal. It seemed too hard for me to overcome it. But it’s all in my head. See? I even write it in past. Great job. Because situations can’t be forced. And the world would be a horrible place if we all instantly got what we wanted. Millennials are too impatient. And I am a pure millennial. I fit so hard the millennial stereotype that every researcher would be pleased with me.
That is why I need to step back. And digest all this for a while. But somehow it helped me to write. It helped me to report all of this into actual words. And thoughts. And put some order in it. And change the Present verbal tense into Past tense. But what intrigues me the most, is that all this came to me in English. Or probably not, as everyone knows I suck at Spanish grammar.
I am happy and worried at the same time.
Will this mean I will have to write every single patch I come across in my life?
I don’t know if I will share this or not. But what I do know is that some people email me thanking for keeping my blog honest. I am not an honest person. I lie everyday. Whether small or big lies: I use them all. And I think I also consider hiding the truth a lie. So yeah, I even lie in my blog, because I am not sharing a 100% my life in it. That is why it surprises me when they say I am “honest”. But what I want to mean in this paragraph, is that if this exact writing can help someone to overcome his or her struggles, I am happy to share it.
Because we are all humans, and I don’t care about what big companies may think about Internet “reputation”. Everyone has feelings. For sure, and hiding them is absurd. And I can be professional even when things suck a lot. But I also want to work in a company where they can genuinely look a person in its whole: not only for their skills.
As I said, I am a stereotypical millennial.
And if it doesn’t help anyone, at least this will be useful for my former me.
Just keep going. Everything happens in its appropriate time. We don’t need to rush things. The universe pulls things in its place when they are appropriate. And when necessary.
Main photograph by James Maher.